For my birthday last week I told Sarah we would go beer tasting at the Park Chalet brewery in Golden Gate Park. This was very unusual for me; normally I refuse to make my own birthday plans. That’s the job of my loved ones: discern my deepest wants and make them birthday wishes come true.
I’d brought Sarah to the Park Chalet several weeks prior—our first time—while researching an article on the park for 7x7. I bought her appetizers and a margarita to bribe her into being my photographer for the day, (food and booze are valued currencies to that girl). That’s when I saw that the Park Chalet’s draught selection is comprised of original house brews. Tempted though I was, I made the wise decision to keep my head clear for the task at hand that day, (i.e. I allowed myself but one beer), and vowed to return and drink them all another day. Here are my notes from my birthday beer sampler ($13):
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Children are weak of mind and susceptible to flashy gimmicks, this is a fact. This is how places like Chuck E. Cheese are able to dupe them into perceiving their series of shitty attractions as a day of wondrous novelty when taken as a whole. The sugar-rattled tykes zip from plaything to plaything, never slowing down enough to notice that the pizza sucks, the coin-to-ticket exchange rate is criminal, and the ball pit is a hotbed of pink eye.
In this way, kid is a lot like being shitty drunk. Both share impulsiveness, the singular pursuit of fun, and a feeling that everything is totally awesome. This explains the popularity of places like grownup play places like Dave & Buster’s, i.e. Chuck E. Cheese’s and cheap liquor. For many adults the overpriced food and children’s games are a small price to pay for the opportunity to publicly rebuff such shackles of adulthood as indoor voices, sportsmanship, drinking in moderation, and financial responsibility. In late 2014 Plank, an adult entertainment center of a different breed, opened in Jack London Square. one which fit the new Downtown Oakland renaissance culture. Plank promises a more highbrow experience than a Dave & Buster’s with its slogan “Beer Garden, Bowling, Bocce” and its concurrence with the Downtown Oakland renaissance. I twice visited Plank—once in late 2015 and then again last weekend—to see if it truly is the playground for discerning adults it appears to be. Here’s what I found: In September I wrote about Red Lantern, a pan-Asian restaurant and my first sushi-love in San Francisco’s Richmond neighborhood. So my heart was understandably broken when Red Lantern closed last month. But what the Sushi Gods take with one hand they give with the other. And what they gave was Sushi Delight.
I was excited for Square One Cucumber vodka. I’m always keen to try local products and Square one is a Novato-based distillery. Their cucumber vodka got rave reviews within the industry for its authentic capture of cucumber and a respect from outside the industry for its conscientious craft production. Even Oprah liked it, for what it's worth. The Tasting: Within seconds of uncapping the bottle I smelled cucumber water. The kind you might expect to find in the pitcher at a luxurious hotel lobby, filled with ice and fresh slices of the mild fruit. The flavor isn’t syrupy or saccharine like so many other flavor-infused liquors—I’m looking at you Pinnacle Swedish Fish vodka. Most impressively, the crispness of the cucumber takes off that acrid flair of vodka--you know that chemical burn of high proof booze that shoots through the sinuses. Sounds great, right? Not so much. Once the cucumber taste fades—and it fades fast—you’re left with the taste of bad vodka. It’s not Popov bad, but it ain’t much better. This cool-to-caustic vodka tastes of refreshing cucumber one second and rubbing alcohol for five minutes thereafter. In summary, Square One Cucumber isn’t the flavor-infused messiah vodka drinkers have been waiting for. And remember kids, beware products touting “organic” credentials, it’s a nebulous claim and certainly no guarantee of quality. The upscale American bistro franchise The Counter is best known for its excessively customizable burgers. The 100-plus-ingredient burger menu is printed on a whiteboard and comes with an Expo pen with which you can check off whatever weird options strike your fancy—(looking at you Thai peanut sauce)—without having to memorize and recite them all for your server. Your comfort with executive decision making will determine if you view this as a limitless build-a-burger workshop or a paralysis-inducing option overload. It was The Counter’s alcoholic milkshakes, though, that recently brought the family together for my brother’s, a.k.a. Big Willy, 31st birthday. This birthday boy is crazy about his boozy shakes and insisted on ordering a variety. We must have wound up drinking half bottle of liquor and damn near a full cow udder of dairy that night.
Their “Adult Shakes” are also customizable, but mixing and matching liquor and lactose is no task for a newcomer. Rather I recommend choosing one of these four pre-builds and—for the love of God—avoid the unholy whole-milk abomination at the end of this list:
On Friday Nov. 6th I was asked by BayArea.com to attend the San Francisco Vintners Reserve and write about my evening. As I no longer own that write up, I can’t legally post my own words here. So instead, I give you a collection of the best words spoken by others that night:
“Look, I think she’s having a winegasm, she can’t even stand!... Wait. Nevermind. She’s just drunk.” “Why don’t you go get a drink for the lady while we finish up some paperwork?” -Time share salesman to man, after noticing him flashing skeptical looks at his girlfriend. “This wine is classic, not slutty. Just like me.” “Sometimes you just don’t want to open a $100 bottle of wine on a Tuesday night” “They’re being so stingy on the pour. It’s like they’re spitting on me!” “These grapes come from a secret region known only to vintners.” “Where’s that?’ “Atlas Peak.” “Let’s grab an Uber so we can get home and eat some cheese while our mouths still taste like wine. One other thing worth mentioning: The company First Aid Shot Therapy was passing out single shots of their liquid hangover remedy. Out of necessity, I tested them the next morning. And though they aren’t a cure all, they make a real difference. I found they worked best with a bacon sandwich and mimosa. Check it out in the link below: In an effort to enlighten my tastes in spirits and liquors I visited St. George Spirits, creators of Hangar 1 vodka. Recently they sold off that brand to a bigger company, Proximo Liquors, who is better able to handle the international scale of production and distribution that Hangar 1 now merits. The sale has freed up master distiller Lance Winters and the rest of the team at St. George Spirits to focus on what they do best: research and produce experimental, top-quality spirits. On a recent visit to their Alameda distillery I was treated to a tour which unfolded in two parts. First, a knowledgeable guide walked us through their distillery and talked us through, in exacting detail, the scientific and artistic processes they use to produce their signature craft spirits. Second, we drank the following 5 spirits: |