The upscale American bistro franchise The Counter is best known for its excessively customizable burgers. The 100-plus-ingredient burger menu is printed on a whiteboard and comes with an Expo pen with which you can check off whatever weird options strike your fancy—(looking at you Thai peanut sauce)—without having to memorize and recite them all for your server. Your comfort with executive decision making will determine if you view this as a limitless build-a-burger workshop or a paralysis-inducing option overload. It was The Counter’s alcoholic milkshakes, though, that recently brought the family together for my brother’s, a.k.a. Big Willy, 31st birthday. This birthday boy is crazy about his boozy shakes and insisted on ordering a variety. We must have wound up drinking half bottle of liquor and damn near a full cow udder of dairy that night. Their “Adult Shakes” are also customizable, but mixing and matching liquor and lactose is no task for a newcomer. Rather I recommend choosing one of these four pre-builds and—for the love of God—avoid the unholy whole-milk abomination at the end of this list: Chocolate Cherry Pinot Noir: Big Willy's favorite. Tastes like those chocolate-covered cherries that come in a faux-lacquer box which, not incidentally, Big Willy also loves. The wine is hard to taste which is just as welI—I doubt they're pouring reserve stock. Apple Moonshine: What if someone just poured a bunch of unaged whiskey into an apple pie? We’ve all dreamed of this, but only The Counter had the cajones to make it reality in milkshake form. It’s spiced like cider with a bready pie crust taste. Did not go blind after drinking. Keoke Coffee: Made with real, caffeinated coffee. I made sure of that. The Kahlua in this pick-me-up gives a nice belly warmth to offset the coolness of the shake.
Dulce de Leche: Vanilla ice cream and Bailey’s. Not exactly the most imaginative shake here, but at least no one can accuse it of being a nauseating vomit slushie, unlike…. The Graceland: Certainly the worst item on the menu. Probably the worst milkshake by any restaurant. Maybe even the worst dessert in recorded history. If you’ve ever been around small children you know that sometimes they want you to make weird snacktime stuff like, oh I don’t know, a peanut butter-ice cream-bacon-and-bananas sandwich. You, a responsible adult, say something like, “I know you like all of those things little Susie, but together they’ll taste awful.” Of course, sometimes the kid remains skeptical and you’re forced to fall back on that old hyperbolic example: the blender argument. The blender argument goes like this, “suppose I had a blender and I put peanut butter, banana, ice cream, and bacon in it and then had you drink it through a straw. You wouldn’t like that little Susie—would you?” Most likely you’ve made your point. If not, now little Susie may actually want the blended monstrosity you described to her. And if for some unconscionable reason you actually make it for her—congratulations, you’ve got the Graceland milkshake. This Elvis-themed concoction actually little chunks of bacon and banana pulp floating around it and if you hate yourself enough to order it, please add a shot of vodka because: A. It won’t be any worse and B. You’re gonna want to be drunk for this. In fact, the only reason to order the Graceland is if someone's 31st birthday wish was to see you drink it while singing "hunka hunka burning love". Happy birthday Big Willy.
2 Comments
Stan Heard
12/29/2015 06:10:26 pm
No wonder I had to give you a D in Sophomore English HAHA.
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Daniel Smith
12/30/2015 03:35:38 pm
After 13 years you finally gave me feedback on something I wrote!
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